Changing, Trusting and Moving On

I am divorced.

Even reading it makes my stomach turn. There is so much to be said about that sentence that it’s literally jumping off the screen at me. I believe the details are inappropriate to share but anyone who has been around since I began this community (over 3 years ago) knows my character.

They know how hard I fought for my marriage.

They know how hard I fought myself.

They know how much I love that child.

But most importantly, they know how much I love Jesus.

I wasn’t very public with this battle, because I didn’t want the show. I opened my soul in my writing often, but we were in a season that was private to the online community, and to a degree, that will always be the case. However, today, being a very hard day for me, I’ve decided to break my silence.

In my neck of the woods, it’s the first day of school. For 6 years, I got to ready a sweet boy who called me “mom” for his first day of school, and be the one to take him. I got to take that first day picture. I got to see him meet up with his friends. I got to meet his teacher. I got to be his mom.

This year my heart is crumbling. Instead of being the one to take him to school, I’m the one enduring parental alienation, seeing the legal system work against me, and learning how to gain strength in what often feels like the most hopeless of situations.

Our divorce was not pretty. The marriage was riddled with disagreements, learned and repeated dysfunction and a polarizing of views. We just never could get on the same page. As a Christian, this is extra excruciating. It took me a long time to own my piece (and only my piece) of the demise. It took me a long time to accept why God would allow a marriage to end. Why all of my prayers, begging, and attempts to change the situation failed. I am still trying to come to grips with how He could let a child to be without a mother – AGAIN. But I’m committed to trusting Him and not myself. I am committed to keeping my heart open and my head wise.

Going forward, I do intend to keep writing. The topics of Biblical marriage, healthy functional families and just plain personal growth have literally lit up my heart. I am SO passionate about these topics that I cannot remain quiet about them. I believe I have a wealth of experience, and now that I have literally been on almost every single end of the blended family spectrum, I will continue to pour into others – and accept anything you can pour into me.

While I get my wits about me again, I ask only for prayer. Pray for me to have a wise mind, discerning speech, and to keep a humble heart – especially on days when I want to do nothing more than curse all the things and remain hidden and angry (sound familiar? you’ve been there too probably). But do not only pray for me. Pray for my Little Bear and my ex husband. And I mean that sincerely. I genuinely wish for nothing but peace and love for them both and while I can’t see my child at this time, I wish to be a light. I want to expose the power of prayer. I want to show others how God’s mighty hand is on that boy and truly on all of us. I want to show how we must relinquish control. How we must speak truth, speak life and be brave and bold.

I intend to keep this community an open, encouraging place for all members of blended families. I considered changing the name, but for now, one step at a time. Today it took everything I have just to write you this. For those of you who know the pain of divorce, the heartache of alienation, the defeat of someone twisting reality to assault your heart and character, and the hope of knowing what once was, and what could be – let’s draw in to each other and encourage each other. There is enough evil and ugly, and I am committed to being a light no matter what my marital status.

courage

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12 thoughts on “Changing, Trusting and Moving On

  1. I’m sorry to hear. I will also pray for you & your family.
    Im sure this update was tough to send. You reminded me that I must maintain grace – no matter what. You helped to to cope with my rocky road in a better way so I thank YOU! Stay strong!

  2. You’re in my prayers. Trust that God has your best interest in mind even when you can’t see the big picture. This is undoubtedly a very tough time but remember that God is your comfort and strength… In your darkest hours, He is the light that will guide you. He has used you to touch so many of us and now it is our time to make a difference in your life through our prayers. God is in control.

  3. Awe…how awful. Step family life isn’t easy. I’ve struggled for years with my role. There is so much rejection. Heartache. It’s hard to keep your head above water. I’m not sure if you left the marriage or if it was your ex. It’s really sad that so many kids have to experience this as well. I wish you both could have stuck it out…..most marriages go through turmoil and trials, and if couples can stick it out, within 5 years things are usually better.
    Keep your eyes on Jesus….he has you in his palm and cares about you more than anyone ever could. Grieve your loss isn’t easy. I have grieved many losses in my marriage. The loss of never bring called mom….the loss of never having grandchildren….the loss of respect with those you live and live with….but I realized today that what my dream or thought of as being good, isn’t what The Lord had planned. His good is way different than my good. God bless you.

  4. I am so sorry to hear about what you’re gong through. Truly heartbreaking, and the fear of the stepmom- no contact with the child you have raised for years. This is a scary prospect for all stepmoms, the fact that we have no legal rights to our stepchildren should we divorce. It’s such a shame that your ex can’t do what’s right and set his feelings aside for the sake of his child. As you said, now your “son” has lost two moms. So sad and unnecessary. May God be with you on this path toward recovery and healing.

  5. I am so very sorry for all the pain that you have been going through. I’m sending you some long distance hugs. I’ll pray that God gives you comfort and guidance. Remember that he has a plan and that everything happens for a reason.

  6. I am sooo sorry to hear this. You are truly an inspiration for me and have helped me in so many ways. By opening up about your heartbreak you have helped to soften my heart once again to my ss, at a time where he has hurt me to be closer to his mother and created a rift that might not be repaired. I will be praying for you, little bear, and most importantly for your ex-husband to soften so that little bear doesn’t have to be without a Mom again. It hurts the little bear the most. God bless you and keep you. I wish I could say this in person and hug you.

  7. Today as I sit here and read your story (behind on the blog), my heart breaks with you especially as I am going through exactly the same right now. It may not be his first day of school but today is his 4th birthday, something I had the privilege to celebrate and make it super special for him for the last 2 years. My heart is breaking to know that I may not see him nor call him to hear his sweet chirpy voice and wish him happy birthday. I pray that the Lord will give you the strength and calmness that I also so very much need. Stay strong and keep your eyes to the sky because that is where our strength will come from.

  8. I pray for you, I know this feeling, God has a plan, and that’s what I tell myself daily. Sorry you had to go through all this, just know your not alone😘

  9. This news is truly heartbreaking. I’m so sorry. I pray that you will be encouraged and allow the Lord time to work in your situation. I have been through a divorce, and it is certainly not easy, but I surrendered to the Lord my hurt, anger and disappointment in order for him to heal me from the inside out. It was a process and in the end, he showed me who I really was in Christ and all I need in this world is Him…my true source of fulfillment. I now am remarried and in a blended family situation. Your blog has given me much encouragement, as I live through the daily challenges of being a fultime step-mom of three children. If I can share anything with you, it would be to continue to draw close to the Lord, let Him be your confident, read his Word, seek and ask for wisdom, as what you’re going through will need wisdom to deal with the attacks on your character, and most importantly, do not let the current situation snuff out the light that God has put in you. These disappointing life situations can cause us to become bitter and bitterness destroys the vessel that carries it. I’m happy that you will continue to blog, as through this experience, you will be able to encourage so many others going through the same thing or something similar. Continue through the grieving process and remember…the Lord’s got this! He knows what you need and he will bless those who love Him and who’s heart is genuine for Him. Sending much hugs your way 🙂

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