I am divorced.
Even reading it makes my stomach turn. There is so much to be said about that sentence that it’s literally jumping off the screen at me. I believe the details are inappropriate to share but anyone who has been around since I began this community (over 3 years ago) knows my character.
They know how hard I fought for my marriage.
They know how hard I fought myself.
They know how much I love that child.
But most importantly, they know how much I love Jesus.
I wasn’t very public with this battle, because I didn’t want the show. I opened my soul in my writing often, but we were in a season that was private to the online community, and to a degree, that will always be the case. However, today, being a very hard day for me, I’ve decided to break my silence.
In my neck of the woods, it’s the first day of school. For 6 years, I got to ready a sweet boy who called me “mom” for his first day of school, and be the one to take him. I got to take that first day picture. I got to see him meet up with his friends. I got to meet his teacher. I got to be his mom.
This year my heart is crumbling. Instead of being the one to take him to school, I’m the one enduring parental alienation, seeing the legal system work against me, and learning how to gain strength in what often feels like the most hopeless of situations.
Our divorce was not pretty. The marriage was riddled with disagreements, learned and repeated dysfunction and a polarizing of views. We just never could get on the same page. As a Christian, this is extra excruciating. It took me a long time to own my piece (and only my piece) of the demise. It took me a long time to accept why God would allow a marriage to end. Why all of my prayers, begging, and attempts to change the situation failed. I am still trying to come to grips with how He could let a child to be without a mother – AGAIN. But I’m committed to trusting Him and not myself. I am committed to keeping my heart open and my head wise.
Going forward, I do intend to keep writing. The topics of Biblical marriage, healthy functional families and just plain personal growth have literally lit up my heart. I am SO passionate about these topics that I cannot remain quiet about them. I believe I have a wealth of experience, and now that I have literally been on almost every single end of the blended family spectrum, I will continue to pour into others – and accept anything you can pour into me.
While I get my wits about me again, I ask only for prayer. Pray for me to have a wise mind, discerning speech, and to keep a humble heart – especially on days when I want to do nothing more than curse all the things and remain hidden and angry (sound familiar? you’ve been there too probably). But do not only pray for me. Pray for my Little Bear and my ex husband. And I mean that sincerely. I genuinely wish for nothing but peace and love for them both and while I can’t see my child at this time, I wish to be a light. I want to expose the power of prayer. I want to show others how God’s mighty hand is on that boy and truly on all of us. I want to show how we must relinquish control. How we must speak truth, speak life and be brave and bold.
I intend to keep this community an open, encouraging place for all members of blended families. I considered changing the name, but for now, one step at a time. Today it took everything I have just to write you this. For those of you who know the pain of divorce, the heartache of alienation, the defeat of someone twisting reality to assault your heart and character, and the hope of knowing what once was, and what could be – let’s draw in to each other and encourage each other. There is enough evil and ugly, and I am committed to being a light no matter what my marital status.