When You’re Mad at God

A divorce isn’t just an event. It’s a series of events. A roller coaster of ugly, confusing, soul sucking, unstable, painful events.

This has been a very dark time for me. The last time I saw my boy was marked by another outburst of emotion and hatred from his father; something I was so used to.

And then my baby was gone.

I didn’t even get to say goodbye.

There were a solid few weeks that I barely got out of bed. I stared at the ceiling and prayed. I tried to overwrite the enemy’s lies with the Truths of our Father. Every day was a struggle. I would go to work, or any required activities, counting down the moments until I could get back in bed.

Slowly I climbed out of this disgusting pit. People were in awe of my faith; of my hope. They were in awe of how I could stay so graceful in the face of such a mess. The truth is, it takes everything in me not to scream from the mountaintops the things my ex husband has done, and continues to do to me. Every bone in my body wants justice. Every bone in my body is full of equal parts hurt and disgust. In my flesh – I want the world to know what happened and why we are here.

But mudslinging is child’s play, and God knows the facts.

So I sat quietly. And behaved like a good Christian. Good Christians do not have hate pumping throughout their veins. Good Christians forgive. Good Christians pray properly. Good Christians remain joyful throughout trials. Good Christians trust. Good Christians do not lose faith.

Frankly, I am proud of how I’ve conducted myself throughout this walk. And people have noticed and are proud of me too. The amount of support I’ve received has been nothing short of amazing. Beautiful souls from all over poured out their hearts and encouragements. Gifts, prayers, and love in abundance. The people who have guarded me, I lovingly refer to as my #heartarmy. God gave me peace at every turn and the most incredible people to help me in the ugly. But when would the ugly freaking end? Hadn’t I endured my fair share? I was tired. I was beaten down. And I felt shafted.

As thankful as I am for this #heartarmy, I grew impatient with God.

I had had enough. My character was thrashed. My family was gone. My child was stolen. Hit. After hit. After hit.

This time, I hit back. Prayer time this morning was not the usual knit one-purl two in some perfect, legalisitic Biblical order. I was livid. I was so angry at God that I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“I know you’re the boss, but HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE ME SUFFER?”

“You promised to be just and yet, where is MY justice?”

“Are you watching this? DO YOU SEE THIS?”

“WHY?!”

And last but not least, “I have prayed endlessly. I have an army of people praying too. SHOW ME THE POWER OF THIS PRAYER.”

I told God that my faith was slipping. That I have only read Job 67,000 times, and I get it. He gives and takes away. But I just couldn’t take it anymore.

I went into work, sad that I had shown God my less than pretty side, but muddled through the day as best I could. By the afternoon, I received an unexpected phone call and the peace was instant. A gentle reminder from someone who knows the truth, that the truth cannot be hidden. That no one can take away what I gave to that child. That history speaks for itself and that no matter what is said about me, I live brightly – steadily – genuinely – and that can’t be stained.

If you’re reading this, you know all too well the legal limits that are placed upon me as a former stepparent. Thankfully there are people who are around my sweet Little Bear, who know the truth and can pour out love to counter all the hate. It doesn’t remove my pain, but it does lighten my heart. I want only love around him all the days of his life.

I don’t know what will happen with my boy; I don’t even know what will happen tomorrow. But I do know myself. I do know my heart. And I do know we have a big God who DOES know the future. A big God who HONORS obedience.

As if that wasn’t enough, when I returned home from work there was a package waiting for me.

Anchor

I just ADORE anchors. I keep them everywhere and I collect them. A very special sister in Christ sent it to me. Without any prompting. No warning whatsoever.  A beautiful scarf with an even more beautiful card:

Jesus is the anchor of my soul. -Hebrews 6:19

You are an amazing soul. Keep shining and spreading all the love and joy that God brings! He’s got something special in store for ya!

God Bless

She couldn’t possibly have known how much I needed that. When I reached out to thank her, I was blown away by her words.

She told me that God had put me in her thoughts. That no words for her were needed, and to give God the praise. That it wasn’t her, He just used one of His children to help me.

She closed out:

Love you and you are amazing and your God is in charge, so be patient.

A message straight from Him.

An answered prayer that I didn’t deserve.

Even in my broken, imperfect state, where my faith was slipping, and I was really starting to lose hope, He shows His mercy.

Don’t be afraid to show yourself to God. He already knows. Don’t be afraid to pray REAL prayers. Don’t be afraid of falling short. Don’t be afraid of having weak flesh.

Be obedient when it doesn’t feel good. Be obedient when you don’t want to. Be obedient when they are pounding you and you don’t deserve it. Not because they are worthy, but because God is.

He will show up.

He always does.

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Changing, Trusting and Moving On

I am divorced.

Even reading it makes my stomach turn. There is so much to be said about that sentence that it’s literally jumping off the screen at me. I believe the details are inappropriate to share but anyone who has been around since I began this community (over 3 years ago) knows my character.

They know how hard I fought for my marriage.

They know how hard I fought myself.

They know how much I love that child.

But most importantly, they know how much I love Jesus.

I wasn’t very public with this battle, because I didn’t want the show. I opened my soul in my writing often, but we were in a season that was private to the online community, and to a degree, that will always be the case. However, today, being a very hard day for me, I’ve decided to break my silence.

In my neck of the woods, it’s the first day of school. For 6 years, I got to ready a sweet boy who called me “mom” for his first day of school, and be the one to take him. I got to take that first day picture. I got to see him meet up with his friends. I got to meet his teacher. I got to be his mom.

This year my heart is crumbling. Instead of being the one to take him to school, I’m the one enduring parental alienation, seeing the legal system work against me, and learning how to gain strength in what often feels like the most hopeless of situations.

Our divorce was not pretty. The marriage was riddled with disagreements, learned and repeated dysfunction and a polarizing of views. We just never could get on the same page. As a Christian, this is extra excruciating. It took me a long time to own my piece (and only my piece) of the demise. It took me a long time to accept why God would allow a marriage to end. Why all of my prayers, begging, and attempts to change the situation failed. I am still trying to come to grips with how He could let a child to be without a mother – AGAIN. But I’m committed to trusting Him and not myself. I am committed to keeping my heart open and my head wise.

Going forward, I do intend to keep writing. The topics of Biblical marriage, healthy functional families and just plain personal growth have literally lit up my heart. I am SO passionate about these topics that I cannot remain quiet about them. I believe I have a wealth of experience, and now that I have literally been on almost every single end of the blended family spectrum, I will continue to pour into others – and accept anything you can pour into me.

While I get my wits about me again, I ask only for prayer. Pray for me to have a wise mind, discerning speech, and to keep a humble heart – especially on days when I want to do nothing more than curse all the things and remain hidden and angry (sound familiar? you’ve been there too probably). But do not only pray for me. Pray for my Little Bear and my ex husband. And I mean that sincerely. I genuinely wish for nothing but peace and love for them both and while I can’t see my child at this time, I wish to be a light. I want to expose the power of prayer. I want to show others how God’s mighty hand is on that boy and truly on all of us. I want to show how we must relinquish control. How we must speak truth, speak life and be brave and bold.

I intend to keep this community an open, encouraging place for all members of blended families. I considered changing the name, but for now, one step at a time. Today it took everything I have just to write you this. For those of you who know the pain of divorce, the heartache of alienation, the defeat of someone twisting reality to assault your heart and character, and the hope of knowing what once was, and what could be – let’s draw in to each other and encourage each other. There is enough evil and ugly, and I am committed to being a light no matter what my marital status.

courage