Filling My Heart

On January 1, 2014 I posted about theme words instead of resolutions. I don’t like New Year’s Resolutions. They stifle out, they make you feel judged, and while the point is to give you a goal, I find that sometimes it just gives you another reason to feel like you failed at something. That may sound super negative, but look at it this way: being healthier is a lifestyle change, not something you try to start again and again. The same thing goes for quitting smoking, yelling at your kids less, and being happier. That’s a personal favorite of mine. Be happier. What does that even mean?

So I don’t do resolutions. I do growth, change and lifestyle modifications. I like to go big or go home, and while small changes should be rewarded, once I realized I needed big changes, there was no pretending that tiny tweaks would cut it anymore. As I said, this year I decided to shift my focus to a theme word. The trouble was that I couldn’t find just one word to really encompass what my life needed right now. And that’s when it hit me, what I need, personally, is to fill my heart. Not only to fill my heart on a daily basis, but also to get rid of the things that DON’T fill my heart. I need to stop making excuses for the people who bring ugly into my life, and just graciously remove them. I need to stop worrying about everyone else because it’s making me miserable. I need to stop doing things endlessly outside of myself and cloaking it in “It’s the right thing to do”. No, the truth is that if helping others isn’t filling your heart, it’s not right at all.

So that’s where I’m at today. I promised I would reveal my words when I found them. And there they are. 2013 was a horrible mess for me. Emotionally I was rocked and I’m still coming off of it. So many things took place and I fought desperately to keep my strength and positivity up but I struggled greatly.

2014 will be the year of filling my heart. No excuses. No more feeling walked on, bitter, unhappy, unfulfilled, beaten down, tired, or empty. Not only because I’m worth more but because it’s a choice. I’m making that choice. I’m on a mission. And operation fill my heart will not fail.

I’ve been carrying some very heavy baggage for a long time. Trying to make a marriage work, trying to raise this child. Trying to find myself. Trying to give and give and give and give and realizing every day I was in a deeper hell with no end in sight. And while I fought to find strength and peace, I was seeing with every deed I was killing myself when I kept telling myself it was helping. The truth was every time I did something good without remembering my worth and filling my own heart, my heart was getting hard. And I never want to be that person. I refuse to be that person. So I am putting down that heavy baggage and refocusing my energy this year.

This quote summed it all up for me, and I have finally decided to shed that hell, and create my own heaven.

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Thank you for sharing your words with me the other day. And thank you for being here. If you need me I will be filling my heart up, shedding some shady and restoring some peace in my soul, I surely hope you’ll join me.

xoxoxo

CSM

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